How to Make a Sincere Apology

by Jessica Frierson, April 2023

One of the things that really bothers me as a parent is hearing my children mutter an insincere “I’m sorry.” In search of a way to make the phrase more meaningful, I considered what the point of an apology is to begin with. It is often blurted out for no purpose other than to assuage the anger of an offended party. In its best form, the intent of an apology is to make reconciliation with someone whom we have wronged with an accompanying endeavor not to repeat the offense. 

With that in mind, I set out to train my children to think more carefully before saying two quick words that held little meaning. I want them to develop the habit of taking time to consider how their words and actions affect others. They need to understand that there is a moral standard set by God by which we must live. Furthermore, true repentance of a wrong means that we intend to change our ways – and that requires a plan. Finally, we can ask for forgiveness, but we can not demand it. 

A four-step apology is the result of my ponderings. Initially, I implemented this by walking my children through each step several times a week as they had little squabbles and quarrels with each other. After some time had passed, they only needed a gentle nudge to remind them to pause and think it through before responding to a sibling’s cries or complaints with a sincere apology. They no longer go through each step every single time, because they have now developed a greater awareness of the importance of being sincere. If I sense they have slipped back into complacency, we will focus again on these steps.

1. I’m sorry for…

It is important to clearly state what one is apologizing for. The offended or hurt person needs to hear it as much as the one who committed the “crime.” 

 

2. It was wrong because…

Can we be truly sorry for something if we don’t know why it is wrong? It may be wrong because God’s word clearly says it is (such as stealing or hurting someone in anger), it may be wrong because of our motives (intentionally aggravating the other person or attempting to make them look bad, for example), and it may even be unintentional. 

 

3. In the future I will…

What could be a better time to learn how to avoid making the same mistake twice than when one is in the middle of that moment of remorse for making it the first time? I teach my children to think about what caused them to do what they did and figure out what would have been a better response. If they hit their sister because they were angry that she had taken their toy, a better response would have been to walk away until they calmed down, then ask her to return it, and finally to seek a parent’s assistance. Or if they ruined their brother’s new shirt by knocking over his grape juice while hastily reaching for the syrup, they can see that patience and using better manners to ask for items to be passed to them can prevent spills. 

 

4. Will you forgive me?

Forgiveness is a gift that is asked from others. They may choose not to offer it, or they may need some time until they are ready to give it. This final step of the apology may be left open-ended. I noticed that this tends to be as rushed past as the insincere “I’m sorry” is. I want my children to understand the importance of both seeking and granting forgiveness.

So here is what it looks like in action. Let’s say that Michael took his brother Timothy’s football outside to throw around. Timothy is upset that Michael has his new football. Michael’s apology would sound something like this. “I’m sorry for taking your football without your permission. I just wanted to play with it, and you wouldn’t let me. It was wrong for me to do that because I was not respecting you and because the tenth commandment says that I should not covet what belongs to someone else. In the future, I will not touch your belongings without your permission. Will you forgive me?

I can tell you from my experience raising ten children that an apology like this goes far in smoothing over angry feelings between siblings. Prior to this, I heard many responses of, “No you aren’t!” to the quick apologies, or they were just outright ignored. By taking the time to reflect on what wrongdoing was committed, why it was wrong, and how to avoid it in the future, topped off by a request for forgiveness, anger has time to dissipate, and the door is opened for a peaceful resolution.

 

Jessica Frierson is a second-generation homeschooler. She is married to Ernie, a retired minister. They have been homeschooling their seven sons and three daughters since 2000. She is a speaker and writer. She serves as the secretary for NCHE, writes for GREENHOUSE, and is the lead blogger for the NCHE blog. 

I am sorry photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash, angry girls photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash,  forgive me photo by mark tulin on Unsplash